I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.