One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
good work, everybody
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.