2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I can’t stop watching this.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.