The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today