“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.