Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Thank you corporation very cool
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*3.5 thank you very much.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.