Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.