Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*