[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario