[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after