If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord