Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Ovenable?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.