“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.