Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
those birds must be on payroll
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.