Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
You Might Also Like
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
That’s no pocket rocket.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.