Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
The devil.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Yes my dude
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out