My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir