That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Sign at work today
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)