Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing