Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The options really are this bad
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug