[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
had to make it
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse