“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.