My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.