It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
shit just got real
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed