In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?