All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese