All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.