I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Ovenable?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.