14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.