Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.