god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.