Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train