People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Harsh but fair
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Ion see the issue
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?