Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*watches the world burn*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.