I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family