Did I do this right
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
wait.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?