The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire