Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”