What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
OH. COME. ON.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Is this you?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
There’s never enough good news
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them