Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.