Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*weighs self after shaving
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
me when I see my crush
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight