It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog