Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
accurate
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
i love meeting boys on tinder
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people