me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me irl
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.