GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Does this dress make me look cat?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.