Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
How high do the levels go?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.