Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car