Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I falcon love using swear birds
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
When they try to steal your moment.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.