I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird