Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”